and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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