The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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