oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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