Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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