That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
