____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
