I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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