im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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