I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
