Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
