And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
