There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
