Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
