Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
