3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
