Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
