You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
