Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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