I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
