Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
