Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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