I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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