My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
