so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
