When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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