you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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