My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
