physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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