I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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