she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
