"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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