I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
