My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
