if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
