true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
