I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
