Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
