You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize