if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
