I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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