I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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