4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
