next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
