Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
