Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
third nipple confirmed
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
