I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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