And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
