A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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