We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
