Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
