no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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