haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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