That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
