It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
