Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
