So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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