We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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