Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
