I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize