woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
