Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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