Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
