i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
